Use this list before and after the first family meeting.
Before
- Both families agree on place, time and who will attend.
- Confirm education, job and family background through relatives.
- Write your top three must-haves and top three deal-breakers.
- Make istikhara if you wish.
During
- Be polite and listen to every elder.
- Ask about expectations on living arrangement, work and children.
- Do not discuss money transfers or gifts.
After
- Reply within a few days, yes or no, with respect.
- Take time for a second meeting before deciding.
Who should attend, and what to prepare
Keep the first meeting small: the boy or girl, parents, and one or two elders from each side. Too many people make the conversation stiff and can make the young people uncomfortable. Before the day, agree on who will speak for each family, and decide beforehand which topics you want to cover. Bring a copy of your biodata (without phone numbers or ID details) and be ready to answer simple questions about education, work and family.
Topics worth discussing openly
- Education and work / تعلیم اور ملازمت: will the couple both work or study after marriage, and where?
- Living arrangement: with parents, separately, or in another city or country?
- Family involvement: how often will the families meet, and how are big decisions made?
- Religious practice and daily routine: prayer, dress, social life and what each side expects.
- Children and future plans: timing and expectations, discussed respectfully.
- Wedding and expenses: keep it simple, and talk about it only after both sides feel comfortable. Our guide on jahez, bari and salami offers a balanced view.
Questions to ask the young people
Give the boy and the girl a few minutes to speak with each other in a public, family-friendly setting, with elders nearby. Our first meeting questions and before-marriage checklist list questions that help both sides understand each other.
What to avoid
- Do not compare the other family with others or comment on appearance, income or background in a hurtful way.
- Do not pressure anyone to decide on the spot.
- Do not ask for or offer money, gifts or documents at the first meeting.
- Do not share photos of the other person with people outside the families.
Giving your answer
Reply within a few days, with respect, even if the answer is no. A short and kind message is enough; see how to say no politely. If you want a second meeting, say so clearly and suggest a time. For safety guidance, read the safe meeting guide.
ملاقات سے پہلے: جگہ اور وقت طے کریں، رشتہ داروں سے تصدیق کریں، اپنی ترجیحات لکھ لیں۔ ملاقات کے دوران: بڑوں کی بات سنیں، توقعات پر بات کریں، رقم یا تحائف کی بات نہ کریں۔ بعد میں: چند دن میں عزت کے ساتھ جواب دیں۔