By My Rishta Pakistan · Updated
Jahez, bari and salami explained simply: how Pakistani families can discuss wedding customs openly, avoid pressure and keep a rishta respectful for both sides.
In many Pakistani families, the conversation around a rishta soon reaches wedding customs: jahez, bari and salami. Misunderstandings here can end a good proposal. This guide explains the terms and suggests how both families can talk about them calmly.
What the words mean
Jahez is what the bride’s family gives to the couple, usually household items and clothes. Bari is what the groom’s family gives to the bride, such as clothes and jewellery. Salami is a gift of money or items given to the couple or the family on certain occasions. Customs differ by region and community, so never assume that the other family follows the same practice as yours.
Pressure is the real problem
Most of the harm comes not from gifts given freely, but from demands. A family that makes a list of demands, or that attaches conditions to the marriage, places the bride’s family under heavy pressure. Pakistani law places restrictions on dowry and bridal gifts, so it is wise to check the current rules and keep things modest and voluntary. Many families today say plainly: “koi demand nahi”.
How to raise it politely
Raise the subject early, in person, and with elders present. Ask “what are your expectations of the wedding?” rather than “what will you give?”. Agree together on the guest list, the venue and the budget. A written, simple understanding on who pays for what avoids bitterness later.
Haq mehr is separate
Haq mehr is the right of the bride, agreed at the nikah and recorded in the nikahnama. It is not part of jahez or bari, and it should be discussed and recorded honestly.
When to step back
If a family insists on demands, refuses to discuss the matter, or threatens to withdraw over gifts, take it as a sign. Read our guide on warning signs in a rishta proposal, and remember that a respectful family will talk openly.
On My Rishta Pakistan, a free non-profit service, you can state your values in your profile, for example “simple wedding, no demands”. Create your profile / اپنی پروفائل بنائیں and say what matters to you.